If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
