So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize