paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
