Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
