Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
