my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
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