My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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