I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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