hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize