All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
