your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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