It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
