I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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