marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
