it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
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