Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Randomize
