i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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