gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
As shirtless as possible
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
