Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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