I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
