pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
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