Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
