I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
So vagazzling was a success
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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