The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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