I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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