I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
