I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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