i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
