just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
ugly people sure do ruin things
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
