In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize