The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
