K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
