There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
