i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Randomize
