dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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