I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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