i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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