Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
