It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
