I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
