Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Randomize
