dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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