um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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