you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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