he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Randomize
