return my video game
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
