: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I met the friendliest cop last night
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
