My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
