During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
