trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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