soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
