My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
