I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
