I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
