I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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