He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
