remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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