i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
dude. I can hear the air.
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