Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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