You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
