I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
