good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
