I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
He passed out mid-signature
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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