Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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