I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
