dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Randomize
