just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize