there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I need a beard to bite.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
