My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Randomize
