a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
