I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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