Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
