I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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